Thursday, May 10, 2007

Queen of Nothing

I've never been the type who has excelled at any one thing. I have no outstanding skills or talents. This is hardly a pity party. Its not that I'm skill-less -- just perhaps decent at a handful things, enough to make me useful (and/or dangerous) in a variety of situations. I like to believe that I'm neither really good at anything nor really bad at anything. Yet, I've generally got what it takes to get by.

Although, as of late, it has become quite apparent that perhaps there are two things that I actually am quite abhorrent at. One being a skill I likely have never possessed, and the other something I could not have known I would truly suck at until about 3 years ago.

Apparently, for which my spouse will likely readily testify, I am not a sympathetic person. Were you to have suggested this to me even a few years ago, I would have been hurt, appalled, outraged! What? Me? Not sympathetic? I love people...I am very nice to people...I would do anything for most people. The reality is love, kindness, and care is not the same as sympathy. And, when push comes to shove, I am quite likely the one who will be stating (or muttering under my breath) "Just suck it up!" This is not to say that I don't care about people's problems nor does it mean that I am not a good or willing listener. Just know that when you bring a problem to me, I am more likely to try and fix it rather than offer a tender "Oh poor you!". This could be a plausible explanation for why our daughter can fall flat on her face, get up, and keep going without even a tear. Perhaps she learned early that I was not the one to seek for support unless you need a band-aid. And my husband, who has been afflicted with the stomach flu numerous times since becoming a father, will suggest something to the effect of "she's colder than your mother-in-law's love" (or something like that) when it comes to wanting someone to throw you a pity party for how you feel. (But, for real, do you really have to moan that loud when you're sick. Does that accomplish anything?) Need a hot meal, errand run, someone to care for your children -- I'm your woman. Want an understanding pat on the head? Look elsewhere.

And most recently, I have added "pregnancy" to my list of things that I am truly horrible at. My mother-in-law disdainfully told me last week "You're the first person I've ever met who doesn't like being pregnant." While I do not believe that I'm the only who doesn't find this the most pleasant way to kill 9 months of my life (my sister isn't that big a fan either), I do have to admit, I see this as simply a means to an end. I do not want to say this too flippantly. I hold my ability to conceive and deliver a child to be a great gift. We have watched several that we love go through the agony of infertility and count ourselves so fortunate to have not have had to go through that. I love being a mother, and look forward to adding this son to our family. And while feeling him flip and turn (and kick, somersault, bounce, jump, and catapult) in my womb is certainly something to celebrate, I just don't relish the weight gain, associated aches/pains, and various other symptoms that accompany carrying a child to term. It could be said that my experiences with pregnancy might be the cause of some of my disdain. My first pregnancy ending so abruptly (albeit with such a fortunate outcome), and this second pregnancy having a series of symptoms that are not likely standard for most women. Yet, I know of women who have gone through far more and still eagerly awaited a time when they could be pregnant again. My name should not be added to that list.

I guess this makes me the Queen of Nothing -- Purveyor of Naught. I am okay with this. I am decent at enough things to make most people want to keep me around. But, for the record, I'm mostly likely not the one you want to call if you need some sympathy and/or a womb in which to carry a child.

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