They're Conspiring to Make Me Mad

Recent conversations have gone as follows:

Me: Time to take a nap
Daughter: Okay, Meez Ju-we-a. (Ms. Julia)
Me: Um, um...my name is Mom or Mommy
Daughter: Nooooo its not. Goodnight Ms. Julia.

Me: Yeah, I hardly eat any meat.
My mom: Yes, I know. That's why I thought you'd really like this turkey meatball vegetable soup. (And then she put some in my car to take home)

After reading a book called "My Mom is Great" to a group of preschoolers:

Me: So, do you think your mom is great?
Kid #1: YEAH!
Kid #2: My mom is GREAT!
Kid #3: Yeah, mine too.
My Daughter: No, I don't 'fink' so!

Him: Did you call the roofer?
Me: No, I heard you say to someone else the other day that you were going to give him a call, so I didn't bother.
Him: Yeah, when I said "I", I really meant "we", which actually meant "YOU"!

And their plan is working. I just started the washing machine, added the detergent, and closed the lid. And didn't realize until about 15 minutes later than I never put any clothes in there.