Monday, June 20, 2005

Hemorrhoids and Jumpsuits...

I am not much of one just to call people at random. Even my friend of friends probably receives no more than 3-4 phone calls per year, reserved only for major events like pregnancies and premature births. But, at whim, on a regular old Friday afternoon, I decided to call Bill.

Better known to most as "Our old crazy neighbor Bill" -- you likely know our history with this certifiably looney old man who used to be our upstairs neighbor in Cincinnati. In spite of his eccentricities, Pat and I have always felt a fondness for Bill, and have tried to stay in touch with him, out of pity for his loneliness if nothing else.

It took nothing more than "Hi Bill, it's Julia. How are you?" to produce the following:

"Oh Julia, I am having the most terrible time with Hemorrhoids." (Shock and horror registers on my face)

He proceeded quickly with his story, leaving me no time to intercede on behalf of my mental purity. He went on to explain that he had the most terrible hemorrhoids, causing him to order a 2 ounce tube of Preparation H per day, not to mention a package of what he called "Those Adult versions of Pull-ups". I didn't know that there was a direct connection to hemorrhoids and an adults inability to control bathroom functions, but according to Bill's tale, there is.

At one point I thought "I need to blog this" and reached for a marker to write down his quotes, but then it just started coming so fast, I had no time or choice but to sit down and listen. I can't even remember it all now, but I know that he kept throwing things out like:

"I'd sit down on the toilet, but I couldn't go"
"All I could get was a trickle."
"I sat down in my chair and thought "OH NO"...but couldn't make it in time."
"I could not get my jumpsuit unzipped in time, so now I've been running around in my shorty pajamas in case I have to go." (He strictly wears jumpsuits -- owns 34 of them)
"It went EVERYWHERE. I couldn't make it stop"

...and on and on!

I can't quite recall my responses. Probably nothing more or less than, "Oh my" or "That's terrible." What else can you say?

Just as soon as he finished his story, he quickly closed with "I'm so glad you called! Goodbye now!" And it was over.

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